“But the other person said that I was wrong so… I have to give in! I have to compromise!”
For my clients, when it comes to negotiating what they are owed, they often believe that to close a deal, they must give in and compromise. But here is the thing, when we are in that state of thinking, “I need to compromise,” we lose! Instead of closing deals that work well for both parties, deals that we love, we end up with deals that we hate.
I am currently working with a client on her ability to negotiate what it is that she is owed. Leaning in and demanding what she wants is foreign to her, so for now, I am crafting her emails for her. Even with that, I have to hold her hand and make her push send. Now, she is not a newbie, this woman has a multiple six-figure business and she works with high-level people, but when it comes to negotiation, it is an area where she (and frankly, many people) pull-back!
Unfortunately, we have been conditioned to think that to get what we want we need to be nice. Naturally, the feminine energy wants to create a community where everybody gets along and has this beautiful collaborative feel. (Every human being has aspects of both masculine and feminine energy.) Though this is such a wonderful piece of the feminine energy, being collaborative is different than giving in (or compromising) — especially when negotiating! Giving in is the result of your scared subconscious mind convincing you that if you hold your ground you will not be safe.
This is what has been happening to the client that I mentioned above. Before me coming in and crafting her emails, she has been giving money away by not following up with clients who owed her money, not following up with people who owed her trades, and not following up with people that she could and should get a refund from. Why? Her subconscious mind gave in, wanted to play nice, and would not firmly stand in her inner dominatrix.
How can we negotiate for what we are owed?
It is three-fold. First, it is critical to do some core work in efforts to stand in our inner dominatrix. Simultaneously, learn to shorten requests, and if any extra information is needed, do not add personal information!
The Inner Work:
We must get to a place where we welcome the feeling of being uncomfortable (and possibly making other people uncomfortable) with the fact that we are willing to stand quietly in our own power. When we can get there, we can stand firmly in our inner dominatrix.
To get there, we have to do some inner, core work. Honestly, this can feel scary. Remember, the subconscious mind is trying to keep you safe, and therefore it tries to keep you in “the comfort zone” because it is familiar. (Though, the comfort zone is not comfortable… but that is a different topic for a different time!) Fortunately, however, it is way easier than your subconscious mind thinks! The steps that I take my clients through to do the inner work make it simple to make deep lasting changes!
If you are in a place where you are unwilling to stand fully in your inner dominatrix, reach out to me. I offer a free consultation where we can go over some of my programs, I can direct you to my articles and books.
Now if you need help negotiating something, I also have a service for that, the actual negotiation is done for you both via email and in person.
Define exactly what you want, and ask for it.
Since people are constantly bombarded with information and requests, your asks need to be short and sweet. This will give you the best chance of getting what you want. Start by observing your language. How active or passive is it? While negotiating, are you saying things like, “Well we could do something like this…”? If so, stop it. You need to define exactly what it is you want and give yourself a word limit.
When I am coaching my clients in negotiation, I limit their ask to a three-sentence paragraph. No more. Limiting the amount of room that you have to make a point forces you to quickly and clearly asking for exactly what you want.
Here is an example: Asking for a refund.
If you say, “I’m not really happy with this and I am not too sure it works for me.” The person that you are speaking with just heard your experience and does not have a definitive action that you want them to take.
Instead, say, “I want a full refund by this date.” The person that you are speaking with has definitive action and direction that you want them to take. Your request is specific, clear, and to the point.
Do not include personal information!
Only If required, have some explanation as to why you are making an ask. But keep that to a minimum and do not include your personal information. Here is the thing, when you give too much personal information, you disempower yourself. If you are asking for a refund on a broken item, and go into a long reason as to why you so badly need the money because you are in a financial crisis, the person in charge of the refund will have the upper hand! They know you are desperate for money and they know that you will settle for any amount. Instead, position yourself as if you do not need the money at all and clearly make your ask in the shortest sentence as possible!
I suggest that you start implementing these in your emails. Work on removing the emotion, and make your request in as few words as possible. Then ask yourself, “Am I being really, really clear? Am I being specific? Am I saying that I would like XYZ by X, Y, Z?” Really get specific about asking for exactly what you want and you will have way better success in all of your negotiation dealings! And of course, if you don’t want to do it, reach out to me at BookDana.in! I love negotiating and I am happy to get the old dominatrix whip out and whip those people into shape for you.
Related article: Negotiation is Cut-Throat. Know Your Worth.